When I read these words this week, I felt two sides of me react simultaneously.  

“Yes!” the Warrior Goddess in training said.

My child just rolled her eyes.  “Yeah, right!” was the implied response.

Today I’m leaning a bit more toward my WG self.  But there are days, weeks, longer even, when I am solidly in my wounded girl camp, traumatized and disbelieving.  

This chapter of Warrior Goddess Training, Lesson Three: Purify Your Vessel, is all about maintaining the gift of our vessels (body, boundary, etc), the most perfect container for our mind, energy, emotions and physical properties.  We need this vessel to carry out the work of the first two lessons of committing to ourselves and aligning with life. It is the vessel we were given for all this goodness.  Being raised by one set of parents who identifed as Christian (the other identified as agnostic, leaning toward atheist), I was told I was created in God’s image, so I was perfect.  But the images of God didn’t look a thing like me.  And the images we worshiped on television and in magazines were the only models I had. I strove to resemble them so I could be worthy and loved.  It has taken me a lifetime to understand the fallacy of those images and the harm they cause. I have just begun to release the tiniest pressure to mold myself in their likeness.  

Unconditional love is also something that wasa aspired to in my family.  I had some good role models for this, especially when I was small.  I had family members who thought the world of me, who loved me intensely and limitlessly.  I was taught love was something we should cultivate. That is what Jesus would want us to do (1/2 of my family,) and that was the right thing to do (the other half).  Between religion and justice, I feel like I was raised by really good people with good values.  But our focus was on acts of love directed outward that didn’t necessarily translate to inward love or self acceptance. There was little to no emphasis placed on voice, in deference to God’s voice, or the voice of justice and knowledge.  Again, really good people!  But how many families have raised their children to be unconditionally self-accepting? 

Heatherash Amara, in Warrior Goddess Training writes about the importance of creating a container of self-awareness in chapter three.  She argues that only this can stop your inner-power leaking through.  Why?  Because without establishing self-awareness, all those sneaky, insidious gremlins of life, especially a life with social media, ever increasing global issues, complex social and familial relationships, and increasing demanding economic and work demands, wreck havoc.  She is talking about the damage of self-criticism, judgment, comparison and self-doubt. The moment we lose focus, the moment our self-acceptance becomes at all conditional, a thin spot appears in our vessel, a weakness, a crack, maybe a chink.  And then…gremlins!

When I first started doing therapy, all I could see was what was inside the container.  I thought I was there to figure out why I was depressed.  I thought one-dimensionally about psychology. Over the next 20 odd years, I worked hard, but started making a different kind of progress when I became aware of the container.

One blinder I had to see through was numbness.  By not recognizing the container that held my inner self, I couldn’t fully know myself and couldn’t unconditionally love and accept myself.  The only avenue available was to go numb.  I didn’t know how to deal with pain without a container to hold it in?  As each event that wasn’t dealt with was stored on top of the last, it became more and more overwhelming to think of addressing any of it. One hurt could not be felt without feeling them all.  How could I deal with gaining wait and not being perfect? I pushed that down deep.  How could I deal with not getting pregnant. I buried that. When I couldn’t make my relationship work, I buried that. When I didn’t think I was being a good parent, buried. Until I was full up and numb all over.

Ignorance of self turned to blocking of feelings turned to numbness to many new experiences, until much of my work in the past several years was learning how to feel, again.  Like an archeological dig, before I could study the vessel for its origin and use and beauty, I had to spend a lot of time digging and chipping away the gunk! 

I’m a sucker for a good list.  I mean, adulting can feel like a light in a fog when you are barefoot and forgot your coat.  So I was super excited when I saw Amara’s suggestions for building a stronger container.  She says you must be willing to:

• Stop defining yourself by what you do or who you know
• Embrace all aspects of yourself; honor your strengths and weaknesses.
• Know your truth in this moment, and hold to your truth even in the face of adversity.
• Consciously choose your friends and support system.
• Let go of the need for people to like you.
• Soothe yourself when you are upset or scared.
• Clear out buried emotions.
• Stay present with yourself under stress.
• Claim loving acceptance of your physical body.
• Be mindful of what substances you put into your body.

Just a warning.  If you were like me, and you numbed yourself for a long time, it hurts to feel again.  I mean, it really hurts.  More than just like if you trim your nails too short and have to let that baby new skin get used to the world. Even the good stuff can feel like speeding out of control.  Full disclosure, I also happened to be going through menopause when I started this work, so, there you go.  Talk about a convergent zone!  But everyone tells me to hang in there.  Several times I have wanted to go numb, again.  It is so much less painful in the short run.  It takes courage and grace.  When I’m hurting, courage can be hard to come by.  Trauma and pain isolate, so I have a hard time feeling the connection of grace.  I guess that is where hope and faith come in. And experience.  Because once I started to clock some hours of sitting in my feelings without trying to solve or numb or hurry though (thanks, again, Rhi), I started to also register time really living.  

You may want to dive in, if you are that person.  Grab that list by the bullet points and just go for it!  Or you may want to start small, try one on and see what happens.  They are all pretty big in and of themselves!  And it’s your vessel, after all.  As perfectly perfect as it was created. Because you are a holy vessel, the Holy Grail, a sacred chalice!

I’d love to hear what you think and what you are doing.  Did you buy the book?  Want to read and talk?  Please leave a comment below.  I think I have one or two followers, so let me know who you are.